First, you must learn to spell and pronounce the city names. Is it Bradenton or Bradington, Ellington or Ellenton, Oneco or One-co? All are acceptable as maps, mail, and articles each spell it "their way" and tourists say it "their way." They argue that you are just a dumb cracker that can't pronounce the name of your home town. If you think that's fun, try to convince them it's Gillette, not Jillette. It's amazing to find out our ancestors mispronounced the names of towns they founded.
If your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If you live in Parrish or on County Line Road, now known as University Parkway, your map is already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. This part of Florida has its own version of traffic rules: "Hold on and Pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in Florida. We all drive like that, trying to make the 10 minute drive to work in less than an hour.
All directions start with 41 and I-75, which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Have to be there in time for "early bird" you know. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended and/or cussed out. When you are the first one in the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid crashing with all the drivers that are running the red light in cross traffic. If you are crossing the intersection for the Outlet Mall, you better count to 500.
Construction is a way of life with a permanent form of entertainment. We are having so much fun as they widen roads that were finished just a couple years ago. And of course they are making new roads by the minute. And don't forget all the new developments with gravel trucks going in and out the entrances. They don't have any brakes, so watch out.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase "we are in Florida."
If someone actually turned on their turn signal, it would be because of a factory defect or driving I-75 which requires driving 45 in the left lane with the left turn signal on.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
All old ladies and men with blue hair and driving anything that costs over $50,000.00 have the right of way, period.
I-75 and 41 are our daily version of bumper cars. Some people call them "Death Road 1" and "Death Road 2."
Ever notice why fire trucks and ambulances are sitting in strategic places? They don't want to have to travel far in case of an emergency and be victims themselves.
If it is summer, everyone watches the weather report to see if a hurricane is brewing in the Atlantic. If it is winter, everyone nibbles on their hurricane supplies on the way to work.
If it is 90 degrees, everyone is at the beach or at least blocking all roads to the beach. If it is 75 degrees, everyone is shopping. If it is raining, everyone is eating out.
There is no place like living in paradise year around. We live for the quiet of the summer months when the snow birds have gone home and the full timers have gone north to clog the roads up there. Then we have 3 days to ourselves.
*And everyone, to point this last bit out. That was in no way or form written by me. This thing was written by some insane Bradentonion who had nothing to do on those 3 days of peace.
That lack of excitement finally got to this unknown person. Poor poor soul.
� Danielley
